Its 2am … I’d like to say I am up because my baby won’t sleep, but that isn’t true: she is sleeping soundly and has been all night. I’m up because my brain is whirring and I have to off-load some thoughts or I will never get back to sleep. It isn’t unusual for me to be awake at this hour, thinking, planning, writing. After all it is the only time during the day that I can have my thoughts to myself! Once the sun is up (and sometimes before), so are our children, and then, like it or not, the day has begun. So while I should be sleeping, I am quite delighted to have the company of my thoughts – I’ve missed them. I didn’t like the way the pain killers I had to take for the cesarean left me in the fog for so long, but lying in bed staring at the space in front of her eyes was all Linden was able to do in the beginning, and it was also kind of nice for me to have the time to do likewise. My stay in hospital was three days of lying in bed and staring at the wall: not thinking, not planning, not wishing things were different … just being. It was like an enforced sacred idleness. Time to lie fallow and let the earth forces do their healing.
And now I am at home resting. It is easier for me to do this time. I’ve been pretty good about staying in bed. Ok – I’ve popped out a few times, and clearly I am drawn to my blog, but really 20 minutes of sitting still and writing compared to hours of lounging about in my bedroom: I still reckon I”m doing pretty well. I miss the opportunity to cook. I miss caring for my family and home. I am enjoying being cared for, however. Very much.
I am enjoying the meals that have been delivered, the kind and thoughtful texts from loved ones.
I am enjoying the space my community is giving me in coming to my own healing.
I am enjoying listening to David as he moves through the day with the children. Rosella is having some transitional challenges and although I know that inside he is seething with frustration, on the outside he is a picture of happy and creative patience. I’m loving watching that unfold even more each day.
I am enjoying the opportunity to have nothing to plan for, arrange, organise or coordinate.
I am enjoying the chance to be available for my children whenever they need me. Not having to say “just let me finish this first”, or “I’ll be there in a second”, but being here right now for cuddles and talks and (gentle!) playtime.
And now that I have run out of pain killers, I am enjoying having my brain back. Thinking and writing is healing for me, and now I have lots of time for healing. Since becoming a parent I’ve begun learning how to look at things from a broader perspective, not to be trapped in the misery of the here and now. That is not to say I haven’t had a cry about my lost home birth, or my pain. I still mourn those, and I will come to healing with that later, but now isn’t the time when clearly I am surrounded by so many blessings coming my way. I consider myself very lucky that I have my blog to help me organise my thoughts and feelings – so that I can look at them from the outside, rather than to let them tumble about continuously on the inside. You can get lost in misery that way. I’ve been there before.
And I can’t believe that yesterday my blog was looked at 173 times! My usual readership is about 20 a day and I always get a bit of a shock when people actually read what I’ve written, because I blog for my own enjoyment. Sometimes I forget people read it, and then I wonder what I may have written about that might have been quite personal! But I am happy to share my journey through this birth because there is always someone out there who has had a similar experience, and it is always comforting to know that you are not the only one. So if you don’t mind, even though I did not have a traumatic birth, I still have lots on my mind and I will continue writing about my birth and my healing for a little while longer.
And with those thoughts duly downloaded, I am going back to my bedroom where it is warm and where a little hot-water bottle baby is waiting for me to snuggle up with.